Romantic relationships

At divorce.com there is a list of Top 10 Reasons Marriages Fail. #4 is "Sex Problems:"
 Sex is an important part of marriage and the source of many marriage problems. Every marriage requires the act of consummation by sexual intercourse. Failure to consummate a marriage or problems with sexual frequency, quality, and infidelity are all common reasons for marriage failure and divorce.

That bothers me. Amongst the guys I date (young professionals) I always hear that what they want is someone who is brainy and smart, but the reality of it, in my (cynical?) experience, is that they want someone who will have sex with them A LOT and will listen to their favorite bands, including b-sides, and listen to them talk about whatever ad infinitum (the last part is true of all relationships, though). (But I love listening to the people I love, even about the minutia of their day.) So, for example, my last boyfriend, before we even started having sex, would talk about different positions (and the names thereof) and it just made me so scared because in my mind I kept thinking, "how do I tell him about my condition?" There's nothing wrong with him thinking about and voicing his enthusiasm for sex - but where does that leave ME with my vestibulitis / vulvodynia?

The one positive thing about living with vulvodynia is that if I ever get it cured, I will bring to my relationship the knowledge of how important sex is to a relationship. I think a lot of people start out in relationships having a lot of sex-- that initial lust period, etc-- but once they get into dealing with the more mundane relationship things, sex gets pushed aside more and you have it less and less. It will never be that way in my future relationship. Even "boring" sex is good sex. Sex is crucial to a good relationship and no one understands that more than I do. It can be comforting, exciting, kinky but most of all it is emotionally bonding you to your partner and helping to keep that bond going outside of the sexual part of the relationship. Once you stop having sex I think the relationship starts to fray a bit and little things become bigger things and then you have less sex and it's a downward spiral. Sex is so key and I think most people take it for granted because they've never really had to THINK about it the way I have. I will never let sex fall by the wayside in my relationship, even when there are other demands on my time like kids and elderly parents. It's so important to make time for sex. I hope that one day I am pain-free and able to bring this knowledge into my relationship, which will benefit both me and my partner.

Maybe that's the silver lining of all of this-- that when I finally find that special relationship, I'll be able to bring this extremely beneficial knowledge to it. I will be able to remain emotionally bonded with my partner even when other external things around us are tough. I will never give up on sex or "let myself go." It's not a superficial thing; it's a very deep connection that you are forging with your partner. I've not had a lot of sex in my life, but I'm basically a "sexpert" because of everything I've gone through with vulvodynia.

I wonder a lot about what pain-free sex must be like. I don't know if I'll ever get there, which makes me very sad, because I want to experience it, even just once, and because I feel like I have so much to offer in a relationship-- I'm attractive and sexy, I'm intellectual yet goofy and silly, I have a great career that I love, a sense of humor about myself and others, I'm ready to commit, I like being adventurous/being physically active, I like going out with friends/family and meeting new people, I like cuddling and watching movies-- but I know even with all of these things that a relationship cannot be without sex.  Sometimes the emotional effects of vulvodynia get to me and I have to use mental/emotional energy to keep myself from becoming too scared and fearful of a future with pain when I could be using that energy for something else. I think people who aren't familiar with this condition do not realize how much emotional and cognitive energy it saps from the sufferer or how truly lonely this condition is. It bothers me that this seems to be such a taboo subject to talk about, even with friends and family. It's so isolating.

I don't want to seem too down or hopeless but sometimes it can feel that way. The key is not to stay in that head space. Keep an open mindset. Get out and do something. I keep myself busy with meeting up with friends, organizing events and going on weekend trips. But, sometimes I do get sad and withdraw for a few days and that's okay, too-- it doesn't mean you have to be stuck in that place.  I'm pretty outgoing and have a whole life outside of vulvodynia, which is crucial, but which I also think would be true whether or not I had vulvodynia because I just love meeting new people and I am busy with social/networking events or hanging out with friends almost every night of the week.

It does get to me that there is this important part of me that I cannot share with the people closest to me without feeling ashamed and I'm not sure what to do about it. I try to talk about it, but I can tell people, even close girlfriends, are uncomfortable so I stop. My guy friends have actually been more understanding. Most people aren't ready to hear about vulvodynia because we still live in a kind of puritanical society, where everyone is having sex and we see it marketed in pop culture and movies and television but we're not supposed to talk about it. Repression. Suppression. These are not a good things-- for society or for individuals.